Vampires don't cook
by Georgiana1234
Summary: When Alice is forced to take Home economics how will she cope? Vampires don't cook!
1. Chapter 1

**AN: This is set before twilight in the Cullen's second year at Forks high school so Bella isn't there yet. Merci beaucoup for your time people!**

Chapter one

"What are you taking Alice?" Rosalie asked me as we sat in the back seat of the Volvo on our way to the first day of term. I looked up from my new timetable.

"Art, History. . . oh and. . ." my face grew dark. "Home economics."

Rosalie gave me a "are you crazy look" and I sighed. "Esme is making me take it because of that time that I tried to make pancakes for those random home inspector people." Emmett started laughing from next to me.

"I remember that, half the mixture ended up on the ceiling and you nearly burned that guy's face off." He giggled.

"It was along time ago." I snapped at him. "It's gonna be awful." I slouched down in my seat. Jasper turned round from the passenger seat and gave me a sympathising look, I immediately felt better and sat back up again. "What about you Rose? What are you taking?" She wipped out a ponder pack and lipstick and began casually doing her makeup, a sure sign she is trying to be nonchalant about something i.e not drawing attention to it because a. Rosalie doesn't need to wear makeup and b. She had done it thousands of times before.

"Oh em. . .nothing much." My fears were confirmed. She through a glance at Emmett but he was still looking out the window, pretending he hadn't noticed the signs. "English, Maths, PE. . ." she couldn't continue because Emmett's head had whipped around.

"PE?" he asked sternly, Rosalie nodded, still examining a pretend spot in her compact. "Rosalie we talked about this. Remember when you nearly disembowelled that kid?"

"He was offside!" Rosalie screamed, all pretence gone now.

"That doesn't matter Rose." Emmett growled. "You can't take PE."

Rosalie stuck her tongue out at him and he rolled his eyes. They both turned to face the window and I sighed. Edward chuckled from the front seat.

We pulled up in the parking lot 3 minutes later and we all got out. Rosalie ignored Emmett as he handed her her pink prada bag and snatched it from him in lightning speed. Edward gave her a warning look, people did tend to watch us at Forks high school and I didn't blame.

My first lesson was Home economics. Rosalie's was P.E. Jasper gave me a kiss as he and Edward headed off to maths. Emmett should have followed them but to my surprise he slouched towards the office instead. What was he up to?

I slung my rucksack over one shoulder, and zipped up my Jacket as it started to rain. Eventually I found the H.E classroom and entered with a timid knock. There were only four other people doing H.E this year, all whom I recognised. There was Tara, a vain, self centred girl who was always copying Rosalie outfits and hairstyles. Henrietta, a petit girl with a shock of violent red hair. Katrina, a rather podgy, stuck up, teacher's pet who had once called Edward a . . .very bad word when he had refused to take her to the spring fling. And finally Darren, a self confessed emo who I heard from Edward had once stuck a lead pipe through his ear for a bet. He peered at me through his fringe and I hurried to a free seat next to Henrietta, the only one of the four I thought I could stand to sit next to. A door opened to our right and a short, rather fat woman walked into the rectangular room, lined with gleaming ovens. She beamed at us, he eyes nearly disappearing in a mass of wrinkles. She sat down at the head of the big table that we sat round and took out an ancient mark book. She perched a pair of half rimmed spectacles on her beaky nose and smiled at me.

"You must be Alice Cullen." Her voice was croaky and I could smell her nicotiny breath from where I sat. Resisting the erg to start coughing I nodded back. At that moment there was a knock on the door and a soaked and bedraggled Rosalie appeared at the door, she shot a grimace at me before delivering a white slip of paper to the teacher, whose name I did not yet know. She came to sit next to me with Tara on her other side. Rosalie glared at her; Tara did not seem to care as she let her hair lose as Rosalie had hers and began riffling her hands through it to make it appear messier. In a way I felt sorry for her, she would never be as beautiful as Rosalie.

"Rosalie Hale?" the woman wheezed at her and Rosalie did actually start coughing. The teacher glared at her for a moment before returning her face to the pleasant mask that adorned it most of the time. Rosalie nodded, still coughing. I had to hide a smile.

"My name is Mrs Haley." The woman continued. ". . . and I shall be your home economics teacher this year." She paused between her perfectly pronounced words to throw a dirty look towards Rosalie who still had her hand over her mouth.

"Today we will be starting with some practical work, to test your knowledge so far in this subject." Rosalie and I exchanged a horrified glance. "We shall be making cupcakes." I had never been more afraid of a fairy cake in my life.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN: I'd just like to reiterate (ooooo fancy word) that this is set a year before The Cullens meet Bella cos there seems to some confusion about that. Thanks for reading my fanfiction!!! This chapter is from Rosalie's point of view! **

**Chapter Two**

We stared down at the cooking implements and ingredients laid out on the gleaming work surface in front of us. I shot Alice a scared look, how the hell were we supposed to know how to bake cup cakes without a recipe?

I had asked the dragon lady whether we would get any instructions and she just glared at me and said in a voice that would put sleep deprived Bella to shame (i.e very grumpy) she said.

"Ms Cullen, you are seventeen years old, surely you've made fairy cakes before." I was about to snap back at her when I received a short, sharp dig in my ribs from Alice. She received a beaming smile from the incompetent teacher, I swear she's schizophrenic, and the woman bobbed away to examine Darren the emo was doing.

"What are we going to do?" whispered Alice. I shrugged my shoulders in panic. "What's little miss Rosalie doing?" she asked me, still in hushed tones.

"Who?"

"Your clone over there." She pointed at Tara, we both giggled.

"She's measuring out some white stuff." I whispered.

"Which one?" said Alice, holding up at least five different packets of white powder that I didn't recognise.

"It's sort of powdery." I said.

"Well that narrows it down." Alice pouted. At that moment I felt a tap on my shoulder and I whirled around.

"Not started yet girls?" Ms Haley hissed at me.

"Where just getting going" Alice smiled at her and tipped half a bag of white stuff in a big bowl. She's such a teacher's pet. Ms Haley smiled back and continued her rounds. I returned my gaze to the bowl below us.

"What was that?" I asked, panicked. Alice was reading the label.

"Vann-il-ah pow-der" she slurred and shrugged at me. "What next?" I scanned the work top and spotted:

"Eggs, you put eggs in cakes right?" Alice shrugged again, she seamed to be going on a shrugging fest, and dropped two eggs into the bowl. They hit the bottom with a crack and their shell broke.

"Aren't you supposed to fry them or something?" I said doubtfully. It was apparent that Alice had no idea either. I glanced over once more to see what Tara was doing.

"She's adding some white liquid." I squinted my eyes. ". . .only a little bit though, she's using a spoon. . ."

I glanced back to what Alice was doing. She had poured half a bottle of the liquid into the bowl.

"OOPS. . ." she said and giggled, she seemed to find it funny that we were going to completely exposed for what we are in the middle of a (semi) crowded room. I frowned at her. "What next?" she was still giggling. Tara was adding little brown pellets to her bowl.

"They look like rabbit droppings." I wrinkled up my nose. "We have chocolate." I said brightly.

"Do we just put it in?" she looked like she had her reservations.

"Yeah why not." She was clearly throwing caution to the winds.

Alice dropped the bar into the pool of sludge, and a considerable amount sloshed over the side. This was frightening. Tara's mix was smooth and slightly stiff, while ours was a gloopy, lumpy, sticky mess. Tara placed little cases in a tray. Where were our little cases?

"Do you think we have to make them out of this?" Alice held up a roll of murky papery stuff. I didn't know, I didn't know anything.

"How did she make them so quick?" I could understand it.

"Maybe she's forgotten to give them to us." Alice said brightly.

I spotted the only thing we hadn't used yet.

"What's this, butt-er." Alice giggled.

"You said butt." She was on the point of hysteria, I sighed and started carving little cups out of the hard yellow mess.

"What are you doing?"

"It's obviously some sort of clay." I snapped at her. Alice let out a shriek of laughter, everyone looked at us strangely.

We poured our muck into the little tubs and looked around to see what to do next.

"They're putting them in this cupboard thing." Alice said opening and closing the oven. I sighed and slid the tray in, just in time.

"YOU SHOULD ALL HAVE THEM IN THE OVEN BY NOW." Ms Haley shrieked at us. Me and Alice shut the door and leant against the work top with relief.

"How long do they stay in there?" I asked.

"Until they're ready." Alice shrugged AGAIN. "So who come you're in here." I scowled.

"Emmett." I whispered, I was still fuming. "He told the office that I had violent attack of asme is I went near anything related to exercise and that it had all been a big mistake." I grinded my teeth together. How dare he? "They asked me what subject I wanted to do instead and I tried to tell them that Emmett suffered from amnesia but he had already told them that I did so I just thought I'll keep Alice company."

"Thank god you did because if I had been on my own I would have thought to use this. . ." she held up a tin of paper cases. ". . . Instead of clay." I stared at her.


	3. Chapter 3

**This chapter is from Alice's point of view**

Chapter Three

Rosalie nudged me worriedly. I shot her a glare.

"What?" I hissed. We were doing a worksheet while our "cupcakes" were cooking and I was getting gradually more irritated at the absence of the word "coagulate" in our "Fulfilled food word searches" as Ms. Haley had put it.

"The clone's cupcakes smell awful." She hissed back.

"So?" I returned to the top row to continue my search.

"Well…ours don't smell like that!" I peaked round over my shoulder. Indeed there was little to no smell issuing from the small box under the counter behind our desk.

"Maybe that's a good thing." I said hopefully. "Maybe she's done it wrong."

Rosalie furrowed her brow and glanced over at Tara disbelievingly.

"I don't think so…her mum is a baker!" she whispered in an ominous tone.

"What the hell is a baker?" I asked in confusion.

"Someone who makes cakes for a living." Rosalie grimaced. "She's been doing this all her life probably."

I must have looked incredibly scared because Rosalie patted my arm. (Something she never does, the only ever time she has patted anyone's arm is when Emmett found out that football mascots were just guys in suits and not in fact a whole different breed of animals. Why he didn't know this already is beyond me but there you go.)

"Don't worry, we copied everything she did." She said. "I'm sure they can't be that different from hers." After this ironically there was a ping from the timer on the dragon lady's desk.

"Take out your cakes now!" She grasped. "They should be slightly springy and when you put a squire into them there should be no mix left on it as you take it out." Rosalie grinned nervously at me and I returned it reluctantly. We inched closer and closer to the little box, sure that it would explode spiritedly into our faces the moment we opened it.

"You open it" I hissed, Rosalie fiddled with the bottom of her rah-rah skirt and bit her lip.

"Nah it's okay, you can open it sis." I glared at her and was about to say something to her when we detected a whiff of nicotine.

"Problem girls?" the monster of a woman hissed and I wrinkled my nose so that not too much of the putrid smell escaped up into it.

"No, no problem." Rosalie said happily and Ms. Haley glowered at her.

"We were just going to take them out." I stammered and Ms. Haley nodded at me but stayed where she was,

"Well…go on then" She said and nodded again. I shot a frantic look at Rosalie and her desperate eyes met mine.

I pulled at the door of the box and felt cold metal against my even colder skin. Wasn't it supposed to be hot? Wasn't that what made the little balls of mix turn into little cakes? Rosalie was searching my panicked expression for clues of what had gone wrong. I peeked through hole in which we had placed the tray full of gloop half an hour ago. It was still there, still gloop, cold gloop but gloop none the less.

"I think they need a little more time." I said to the woman that now towered above my tiny form that was bent over the little box.

"Half an hour is long another young lady." Her voice did not stray from the simpering tone she had now taken to directing at me but there was definitely a sharp edge to it like a blunted knife. I decided to bite the bullet that was now flying at lightning speed towards me.

"Here are our cakes Ms. Haley." I said and whipped them out. Fortunately when you are a vampire it is quite possible to control certain advantages you may have although it can not be said to be easy and sometimes in times of stress even we slip up. The gloop dripped down the sides of her head, through her knotty bob and onto the pristinely clean pure white blouse. I glanced at Rosalie; she just stood their, her mouth wide open her eyes staring. Of course Tara at once did the same and, not to be out down, gasped horridly. Even Darren looked up from his dark chocolate muffins. There was silence, no one spoke, no one moved. All I can say is that I was write all along, Vampire don't cook!

**AN: I think this is probably the last chapter but if I have more ideas on this I may add more. It's a shame it turned out to be short because I love writing this particular fan fiction. Please review. **


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